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Man in the Mirror

Posted on Sat May 15th, 2010 @ 10:31pm by Lieutenant Thomas Jenkins

"Computer, pause."

Tom sighed and rubbed his face with his hands before skimming through a menu of drinks on the replicator he stood next to. He was in his quarters aboard the Anubis, the vessel that was to be assigned to Roark Nor, his new posting. Serving aboard the Anubis in a dual assignment, he was one of few aboard that had a set of quarters to himself; a privilege he'd been using for the last few minutes to catch up on his personal logs. Technically, as Tactical Officer his place was on the bridge, but he'd been given leave from the now Captain Aerelon to get things in order and report in to Beverly Devuor, who was now a Vice Admiral. So much had changed in the preceding weeks.

“Synthale, Bajoran brew. Frosted glass.” He finally decided, though no decision was really necessary; he’d been no stranger to the drink in recent days. As the drink materialized, he quickly changed his mind on a small detail.

“Computer, correction. Standard high-top bottle.” Just as quickly as the glass appeared, it was reclamated and replaced with a chilled, dark brown bottle which he eagerly snatched up.

“Computer, resume log,” he ordered, making his way back to the couch.
“So, I’m drinking again.” He decided against the couch, and settled for pacing around the room as he spoke.

“I don’t know if that’s necessarily a bad thing. I mean, it’s something I haven’t done in months, but.. it’s been a strange few months! With the Gorn attacks, constantly looking our shoulders.. The destruction of the station, and the near destruction of the Genesis on more than one occasion – it’s a wonder I haven’t been drinking myself into the gutter. The truth is, I haven’t had the time or the motivation to take a moment for myself. I can’t remember the last time I socialized, and what am I if not entertaining a crowd? Some more truth: I honestly don’t know who or what I am anymore.”

Sighing, he moved for the window, staring out into the lines of blurred stars.

“Starfleet has an idea. Thomas Jenkins, Starfleet Lieutenant.” He fondled the two solid gold pips on his collar, letting out a sarcastic chuckle. “Lieutenant.” He shook his head. “A year ago I was what most thought I would be forever: a lonely ensign shuffling from job to job, getting into fights and taking nothing seriously. Was that a bad thing? I don’t know. I didn’t have a care in the world, I did what I want and always had a good time. Am I unhappy now? Some days it sure feels like it. So I started taking things seriously, I had to grow up sometime, right? I bet my father’s head is spinning in disbelief. Two promotions in one year! Hell, I spent the last two days heading up lectures and briefings on the sector’s tactical readiness and the believed status and possible future threats by the Gorn/Tholian alliance. I even missed Beverly’s meeting with the 611 staff. I’m not the man I was a year ago.. I just can’t decide whether that’s a good thing or not. I can’t help but feel like I lost myself somewhere.”

He took a few strong drinks of the synthale.

“So what’s causing all this confusion in my head?” He shrugged, not realizing it. “I don’t know. Maybe if I followed through and cooperated with Counselor Star a little more I’d have a clue, but it seems my hesitation there is one thing that hasn’t changed. I wonder if she’s transferred to Roark Nor?”

He took another drink.

“I wouldn’t doubt it. It seems most of the crew has decided to stick together. I have to admit, though, I seriously debated whether or not to even take the assignment. Sure, having the request come directly from Beverly was part of why I decided to take it, but it was a difficult decision. It’s no secret that in recent months I’ve toiled with whether or not the Federation is the place for me. With all the rules and the expectations, it’s definitely not an easy fit, but by some strike of dumb luck I managed to find a place where I almost seemed to ..fit. This crew, this.. family.. Part of me can’t help but feel that they’re to blame for losing myself; for me turning into this responsibility-driven work-a-holic who’s lost something at his core. But at the same time, it’s obvious that they’ve brought out the best in me, too. Hopefully by getting to know them on a deeper level, I might find some balance between my old self and who I’ve become. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later.”

With the glass empty, he headed for the replicator to dispose of the glass.

“On a happier note, I’m looking forward to the assignment on Roark Nor. A damaged station needing lots of work; a fraction of it’s old self.. Me and the old boat have a lot in common already. And these stars!” He looked back out the window. “I can’t BELIEVE how much I’ve missed moving through them. I’m glad that Zeek accepted my request for an assignment aboard the Anubis, a little escape will be nice from time to time.”

He sighed again, noticing the time on the replicator’s display. He’d spent far longer in his quarters than he’d planned.

“This latest assignment should prove to be an interesting new chapter in whatever lies ahead. If nothing else, I’ll be glad to have a break from the Gorn. Hopefully our new challenges are a little less.. Green.. Though with my luck – probably not.”

Pressing a command on the replicator, he manually ended the recording of the log. Watching the bottle disappear back into the replicator, he headed for the door. It was time to finally do what he should have done days ago on Earth.

“Back to work,” he mumbled to himself. “Computer, locate Beverly Devuor.”

 

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